"Every woman who thinks she is the only victim of violence has to know that there are many more." – Salma Hayek
November: is Domestic Violence Awareness Month
Just the Facts:
- On average, more than three women a day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the United States
- One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
- “Domestic violence does not only happen to adults. 40% of girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend, and approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.” ~ Dianne Feinstein
- College-age women are 4 times more likely to be sexually assaulted.
- Every 2 minutes someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted.
- Teen victims of physical dating violence are more likely than their non-abused peers to smoke, use drugs, engage in unhealthy diet behaviors (taking diet pills or laxatives and vomiting to lose weight), engage in risky sexual behaviors, and attempt or consider suicide.
- In 2008, the CDC estimated 2 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.
- Females are most often victimized by someone they knew.
- Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.
- Young women age 20 to 24 also experience the highest rates of rape and sexual assault, followed by those age16 to 19.
- People age 18 and 19 experience the highest rates of stalking.
- Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.
WHY AREN'T WE SHOCKED?
by Bob Herbert, The New York Times
"Who needs a brain when you have these?" -- Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt for young women
In the recent shootings at an Amish schoolhouse in rural Pennsylvania and a large public high school in Colorado, the killers went out of their way to separate the girls from the boys, and then deliberately attacked only the girls.
Ten girls were shot and five killed at the Amish school. One girl was killed and a number of others were molested in the Colorado attack. In the widespread coverage that followed these crimes, very little was made of the fact that only girls were targeted. Imagine if a gunman had gone into a school, separated the kids up on the basis of race or religion, and then shot only the black kids. Or only the white kids. Or only the Jews.
There would have been thunderous outrage. The country would have first recoiled in horror, and then mobilized in an effort to eradicate that kind of murderous bigotry. There would have been calls for action and reflection. And the attack would have been seen for what it really was: a hate crime.
None of that occurred because these were just girls, and we have become so accustomed to living in a society saturated with misogyny that violence against females is more or less to be expected. Stories about the rape, murder and mutilation of women and girls are staples of the news, as familiar to us as weather forecasts. The startling aspect of the Pennsylvania attack was that this terrible thing happened at a school in Amish country, not that it happened to girls.
The disrespectful, degrading, contemptuous treatment of women is so pervasive and so mainstream that it has just about lost its ability to shock. Guys at sporting events and other public venues have shown no qualms about raising an insistent chant to nearby women to show their breasts. An ad for a major long-distance telephone carrier shows three apparently naked women holding a billing statement from a competitor. The text asks, "When was the last time you got screwed?" An ad for Clinique moisturizing lotion shows a woman's face with the lotion spattered across it to simulate the climactic shot of a porn video.
We have a problem. Staggering amounts of violence are unleashed on women every day, and there is no escaping the fact that in the most sensational stories, large segments of the population are titillated by that violence. We've been watching the sexualized image of the murdered 6-year-old JonBenet Ramsey for 10 years. JonBenet is dead. Her mother is dead. And we're still watching the video of this poor child prancing in lipstick and high heels.
What have we learned since then? That there's big money to be made from thongs, spandex tops and sexy makeovers for little girls. In a misogynistic culture, it's never too early to drill into the minds of girls that what really matters is their appearance and their ability to please men sexually.
A girl or woman is sexually assaulted every couple of minutes or so in the U.S. The number of seriously battered wives and girlfriends is far beyond the ability of any agency to count. We're all implicated in this carnage because the relentless violence against women and girls is linked at its core to the wider society's casual willingness to dehumanize women and girls, to see them first and foremost as sexual vessels -- objects -- and never, ever as the equals of men.
"Once you dehumanize somebody, everything is possible," said Taina Bien-Aime, executive director of the women's advocacy group Equality Now.
That was never clearer than in some of the extreme forms of pornography that have spread like nuclear waste across mainstream America. Forget the embarrassed, inhibited raincoat crowd of the old days. Now Mr. Solid Citizen can come home, log on to this $7 billion mega-industry and get his kicks watching real women being beaten and sexually assaulted on Web sites with names like "Ravished Bride" and "Rough Sex -- Where Whores Get Owned."
Then, of course, there's gangsta rap, and the video games where the players themselves get to maul and molest women, the rise of pimp culture (the Academy Award-winning song this year was "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp"), and on and on.
You're deluded if you think this is all about fun and games. It's all part of a devastating continuum of misogyny that at its farthest extreme touches down in places like the one-room Amish schoolhouse in normally quiet Nickel Mines, Pa. ~ Bob Herbert, The New York Times, October 2006
Power and Control Wheel
The Power and Control Wheel was developed by battered women in Duluth, Minnesota, who had been abused by their male partners and were attending women’s educational groups sponsored by the women’s shelter. This wheel is meant specifically to illustrate men’s abusive behaviors toward women.
Domestic violence is best understood as a pattern of abusive behaviors -- including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks as well as economic coercion -- used by one intimate partner against another (adult or adolescent) to gain, maintain, or regain power and control in the relationship.
Batterers use of a range of tactics to frighten, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, often injure, and sometimes kill a current or former partner
RED FLAGS for abusive relationships
The following is a list of warning signs for potentially abusive relationships. They are presented as guidelines and cues to pay attention to, not as a judgment on the worth of the other person.
Question relationships with partners who:
• abuse alcohol or other drugs.
• have a history of trouble with the law
- get into fights, or break and destroy property.
• don’t work or go to school.
• abuse siblings, other family members, children or pets.
• put down people, including your family and friends.
• are always angry at someone or something.
• try to isolate you and control who you see or where you go.
• nag you or force you to be sexual when you don’t want to.
• cheat on you or have lots of partners.
• are physically rough with you (push, shove, pull, yank, restrain).
• take your money or take advantage of you in other ways.
• accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others
• don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings
• ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you.
• lie to you, don’t show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days.
• “check out” or make lewd comments about others in your presence.
• blame all arguments and problems on you.
• tell you how to dress or act.
• threaten suicide if you break up with them.
• experience extreme mood swings in his feelings for you
• tell you to shut up or tell you you’re dumb, stupid, fat, etc...
• compare you to former partners orbad mouth former partners.
Some other cues that might indicate an abusive relationship include:
• you feel afraid to break up with them.
• you feel tied down, feel like you have to check-in.
• you feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person won’t get mad.
• you tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine.
• you find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.
• you find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy.
• you find the physical or emotional abuse getting worse over time.
If you are a young woman in a relationship that hurts, consider the loveisrespect.org National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, a 24 hour resource for teens and young adults experiencing datingabuse. It is specifically designed with teens and young adults inmind, operating around the growing technologies that they usemost often: the phone, the web, and chat.
Young men and women, along with their friends and families, can anonymously contact a trained teen dating abuse advocate by phone 24/7 at: (866) 331-9474 or TTY (866) 331-8453.
They can also chat in a one-on-one, confidential conversation with a peer advocate between the hours of 4 pm and 2 am. All advocates on the loveisrespect.org National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline are trained to offer crisis intervention, safety planning, and referrals from a database of over 4,500 resource providers.
These “red flags” should alert you to the possibility that a teen (friend or daughter) may be a victim or is at risk of dating violence:
•Suspicious bruises, scratches, or other injuries •Failing grades
•Loss of interest in activities or hobbies
•Alcohol or drug use
•Excuses their dating partner's behavior
•Fearfulness around their dating partner or when his name is mentioned
•Avoidance of friends and social events
How Can I Get Out of My Abusive Relationship?
If you have recognized warning signs of abuse in your relationship, be proud of yourself. You have taken the first step to getting help. So now what? Leaving can be more complicated than it seems, but there are many resources available to help you.
What Do I Need to Know?
If you are in an abusive relationship, you’re probably feeling confusing emotions about what to do. You may fear what your partner will do if you leave, or how your friends and family will react when you tell them about the abuse. If you are financially or physically dependant on your partner, leaving may feel impossible.
You might also think that the police and other adults won’t take you seriously if you report the abuse. These are all understandable reasons to feel nervous about leaving your partner, but staying in the abusive relationship isn’t your only option.
What Can I Do?
Ultimately, none of the above obstacles are worth staying in an abusive relationship, although they can make it feel scary to end it. Whether or not you are ready or able to leave, there are steps you can take to help keep yourself safe:
- Talk to someone (friend, parent, teacher, counselor) that you trust. They can help you deal with your feelings and support you during this time.
- Create a safety plan to reduce your risk of being hurt by your partner. Because you think through it ahead of time, your personalized safety plan can help you avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react when you are in danger.
- Learn about your legal rights. You may be able to get a restraining order against your partner. Restraining orders may also protect you from harassment from your partner’s friends and family.
- Contact one of the helpful and confidential resources available to assist you if you are concerned about being outed, taken seriously, or affecting your immigration status. Break the Cycle can help connect you to those resources.
Some things to keep in mind when thinking about breaking up:
- Your relationship has probably been a large part of your life. If you feel lonely after the break up, talk to friends or find a new activity to help fill your time.
- Because of the significance of the relationship in your life, it is normal to miss your partner after the break-up. Don’t let yourself forget that you’re leaving for important reasons.
- Breaking up with an abusive partner can be a dangerous time. If you don’t feel safe, break up with your partner over the phone or with a friend waiting nearby. Let your family and friends know you’re planning on breaking up so they can support you and help keep you safe during this time. And if you are ever in immediate danger, call the police.
- Break the Cycle can help. For more information, you can contact us anonymously through the "Ask Anything" section of thesafespace.org
- For more information, or to ask for help, teens or adults, call:
NYS Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline: 1-800-942-6906.
[edited from nrcdv.org, thesafespace.org, loveisrespect.org, endabuse.org, feminist.com, chooserespect.org, opdv.state.ny.us,etc.]
"I became a feminist as an alternative to becoming a masochist."
~Sally Kempton
